Friday, October 27, 2017

Hairdressers: Reasons Why You'll Never See Me In Your Chair Again

I like to think I'm a fairly ideal client, and according to some rants from hairstylists I've seen on YouTube, I avoid all the major faux pas.

I arrive on time, if not early. I don't expect you to turn my fine, brown, wavy hair into a thick, blonde runway for Rapunzel's prince.

I make small talk without gossiping. I crack jokes and try to be lighthearted.

And what do I get in return? More often than not, a pile of shit on my head.


No more.

Over the past few years, I have had maybe 2 hairdressers who didn't completely fuck my hair. I've spent the last 3 years since moving (and thus losing a stylist I liked and trusted) trying to find someone who could give me what I wanted.

Then I settled into trying to find someone who could JUST CUT MY HAIR EVENLY.
My hair has been 3 inches shorter and DRASTICALLY more layered on one side than the other FOR TWO YEARS.

This, despite switching stylists, switching hair salons multiple times.

This, despite pointing out the already obvious problem and having the stylist see it, acknowledge it, and state that she could fix it, MULTIPLE TIMES.

So, I'm swearing off hairdressers. No more salons for me.

I'm going rogue. I'm buying myself the implements and hacking at my shit myself.
At least I can say I did it my way.

And guess what, professional hairdressers? I'm not the only one. I know of other women who are feeling the same way.
So, if you see a dip in your business, or simply lose an awesome client and don't know why, check this list:

1) You rake Satan's claw across my scalp. This is pretty self-explanatory. I don't know if you're trying to use the comb to draw blood  in order to use it as a pre-treatment or what, but what the hell? Is your own scalp made of steel? Who made you this angry? Furthermore, how about not tearing my hair to shreads?

2) You insult me in order to sell me hair products. Do they show clips of Mean Girls in hair school? Honest to God. I don't need you to blow smoke up my ass, but telling me my hair is dry and immediately segueing into a commercial for your $50 specialty-special shampoo and conditoner is so obvious it is laughable. Mormons arriving at the door are less obviously about to pitch me something. I would love it if you could just not sell me shit. Odds that I walked into the salon completely bereft of shampoo, conditoner, etc. are really low. I don't buy it until I need it, and when I need it I ask for it. And if you're giving me a hair cut that requires a certain product in order to be styled correctly, guess what. That hair cut sucks. People go camping, you idiot. People get rained on. And we still want to look good. DO NOT SHACKLE ME TO A HAIR PRODUCT.

3) You are hell bent on putting me in my place with your superior, specialty-special beauty school knowledge. Every single advice article on the internet says that you should bring in pictures when you go for a hair cut. I am careful to select pictures that feature hair similar to my own texture that show what I want. Guaranteed, at home, I put a lot more mental work into my potential hair cut than any stylist ever does for the hour or so I am in the salon chair. Yet, without fail, the stylist goes in hard critiquing what I've brought in, telling me that "actually there are lots of layers there" when I thought the cut looked really blunt, or "each one of those have different bangs." Okay. But bitch, is your objective to school me, or learn what I want? Because it feels like you just want to be an irritated diva right now. If I'm sitting here saying "blunt" and "side bangs," but I'm pointing to a cut where you see layers, maybe make like Jeopardy and phrase your shit in the form of a question, "Do you want a little bit of subtle layering like I see through here on the picture?" instead of screwing that mouth up and getting all Professor Hairdresser on me and making me feel like I failed after the hours I spent trying to find the right pictures to show you.

4) You decide to get creative and cut an interpretation of what I wanted instead of what I actually wanted. Let me ask you something. If I go to a Spanish-speaking country and take a Portuguese interpreter, how well do you think that's gonna go? Close enough, right? No? Well, same thing goes for my hair. If I show you a cut that sits on my shoulders but you decide to cut it slightly above my shoulders to "avoid my shoulder flipping my hair up on the ends," guess the hell what. I didn't get what I wanted. AND MY HAIR WILL FLIP UP ANYWAY BECAUSE I TOLD YOU IT HAS CURL IN IT. So now I have shorter hair than I wanted and it flips up on the ends. If I ask for blended layers and you instead cut a heavy shelf layer, maybe I don't realize it when you blow that shit out to perfection while I'm there, but when I get home and wash it and style it and no matter what I do MY EARS HAVE WEIRD HAIR PARENTHESES around them, I know what's up. You gave me The Rachel, bitch. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

5) YOU. CUT. MY. HAIR. SHORTER. THAN. I. WANTED. This should/could have been #1 but I decided to work my way up to it. This one is so universally bemoaned by every woman I have ever come across that I can't believe ya'll haven't gotten a clue yet. I think maybe you bitches are vindictive. My BIGGEST PROBLEM, whenever I have left a salon unhappy (read: crying, in tears) has been that too much was cut off. Maybe it's not a big deal to you because "hair grows" or "it looks healthier" or whatever bullshit, but I think there needs to be a fucking memo sent out from the U.S. government to all stylists to cut at least two inches lower from where you think you should cut on all clients. And that goes double for clients with curly or wavy hair. In fact, I think this should be a requirement for you getting your licences.

There are a thousand more details I could go into that would be specific to my experience, but I've tried to narrow this list down to an easy, widely-experienced top five that you can scan and know that one of these, if not all, have contributed to your loss of business, or at the very least to the complaint you receive or "stingy" tip.

Hairdressers, consider this information my service to you as I go forward, freeing myself from your "services."

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