Saturday, November 21, 2015

I've decided to start a meditative practice where I count all the people that can lean right on over and kiss my ass.

It will be like counting sheep, but instead of falling asleep, I'll fall into a blissful state of not giving any damns whatsoever.

It's been two days and I'm up to 187.

A good many of these were people I encountered in traffic while I was maneuvering my vehicle.

Another many of these were customer service professionals.

A few were people who looked me in the eye at the grocery store.  They didn't smile and I felt mildly threatened.

One of them is the guy who thought I was trying to race him at a red light and took off like a bat out of hell when it turned green.  I was trying to get the static off the radio station, fool.  I'm back here driving like a normal person but you can turn around, come find me, and kiss my ass.

A few of them have been on television and will more than likely have to take a plane to come kiss my ass.  That would be so thrilling!  To have someone travel to come kiss my ass.  Imagine.  A destination ass.

I lost count a few times, but on those instances I just started over at 150 instead of zero because I figure there's probably a ton of people that have crossed me and I didn't know it, or will think about crossing me but not get the opportunity to carry it out, and I want to count those people.  I want to make sure I don't leave anyone out because I am all about fairness.

I'm going to need more ass space but don't worry, I'm working on it.

I'm finding that simply counting the person-who-can-kiss-my-ass instead of taking up valuable time and mental energy plotting their doom has really calmed me down and freed up a lot of time that I can use to get other stuff done.

Besides, when a cashier says, a little too harshly, that she can't take your coupon and you say "172," it really throws her off, which is fun to watch.