Sunday, July 14, 2013

Nobody Cares About Your Stupid Choking: Randomized and Personal Sharings on Food, Humans, and Pets

I forgot to tell you this one from a few weeks ago...

A few weeks ago, before going to work one morning I was enjoying begrudgingly resigned to eating a bowl of Cheerios.  For whatever reason, I was shoving the Cheerios in like they were the last bits of float-in-milk whole grain left on earth.  ("For whatever reason" indicates that me hurriedly shoving food into my face is an unusual occurrence, which it is not, it is a quite common occurrence caused by either my own psychotic hunger or lack of patience for things like eating (or peeing, or most other necessary human functions, also chores). 

Just as I was scooping up the last spoonfuls of cereal, I started to choke.  And not just a polite girl-choke which is actually a mild clearing of the throat, but a full-on, raise-your-hands-above-your-head (Does that work? Where did I hear that?) kind of choke. 

Luckily though, I wasn't alone.  My pets were there.

Oh, wait.  They don't care.

Not only don't they care, but in the middle of my choking, tears streaming down my face, really starting to panic, thinking "Is this the way I go?  Death by tiny, o-shaped cereal bit?", I felt a small leap-thud, then saw a flash of black-and-white as I felt a little puff of fur-air. 

Somehow feeling that my own hands would be necessary to help me stop choking (?), I had set the bowl of cereal on the coffee table.  To a cat, this translates as:

Here is some free milk for you.  Come drink it now, immediately.  If you don't come drink it right now you will die within 48 hours of seeing the milk set down.  This message will destruct in your brain as soon as you have gorged yourself on enough milk to induce lactose intolerance and cause you to throw up on the bathmat that your owner has provided you exclusively for throwing up on. 

I know this.  Still, the fact that I am possibly in my death-throws of choking, and the cat who I love and pet and let drool on me even though it's gross and smells (Okay, I like the smell of my cat's drool), was ignoring me and dashing for the milk really kind of hurt and irritated me.

Besides, and also, my first thought was, "Wait!  I'm not finished with that yet!"

I just need to stop choking first. 

But apparently I live in a miniature, animal recreation of Lord of the Flies. 

When I related this incident to one of my managers at work that morning, she dead-panned me in the eyeballs with completely-fucking-serious stare and stated:

"You know, if you die alone in your apartment, your cat will eat you.  Your dog will look like (here, she pauses speaking to demonstrate a pitiful, puppy-eyed face), and your cat will eat you."

Next, we move on to Harley, who also did not care that I was choking, and her dietary needs, which are approximately: No corn, or wheat, or anything else found in All The Dog Food in the Universe, or else her skin rashes up and all her hair-fur falls out.  The bald cat look is not good on dogs, especially. 

I'm not exactly someone who would buy Ol'Roy, Wal-Mart's excuse for dog food, for my pet, no matter how poor I am, I just couldn't bring myself, but I'm not entirely in the position to buy boutique dog food, either.  Luckily, there is one brand out there that you can find in Target or Food Lion, and is therefore reasonably priced considering that it is special snowflake dog food. 

And, I have coupons.  Every time you buy a new bag, eventually you score a coupon, so I've got coupons, and I've got them in plural because I keep forgetting to use them. 

Determined not to forget to use my coupon at my last shopping trip, I took the coupon out of the back pocket of my lady wallet and placed it in the main part of my wallet where I would have to look at it when I went to pay for my groceries. 

Surely, surely I wouldn't forget then, right?  It's right there


I ended up getting into a conversation with the cashier about how horrible Everything is, and completely blanked out on the coupon. 

Lastly, and still on the food (if you use "food" loosely) topic, I shall share with you the latest ridiculous event that I am banking in the corner of my brain labeled "Move Away from This Place."

Driving down a main stretch of road earlier today, I ended up swerving so much that I touched my wheel to gravel trying to see if I saw what I thought I saw.  And yes.  Confirmed: Krispy Kreme has been razed to the ground.  Completely leveled.  The only thing remaining, like a haunting, teasing image of former glazed glory, is the neon sign, now dulled. 

Oh!, beacon of sugary delight, what have they done to you???????

I don't understand.  There was no warning.  I feel that there should be a warning if they are going to tear down a city's Krispy Kreme donuts location.  We need time to mentally adjust to the idea that now only Dunkin' Donuts' donuts (which are fine, but still you need the Krispy Kreme option from time to time) are readily available, map out the driving distance to other Krispy Kreme locations, and start saving up gas money. 

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