Monday, June 29, 2009

And in health related news...

I made the dreaded phone call to my car loan people today and had a full rectal exam. Twice. After that, they were kind enough to inform me that I was "past the one payment option" and that even though I made a payment (which would bring me up to two months behind instead of three), they would still continue along the process of taking "action." I love the little phrases they come up with to thinly veil threats with politeness and social grace. I tried to go online and pay, but I got a notice in little red letters telling me that I was a worthless, no-good whore, actually, no, I wasn't a whore, but that they wish I were a whore so that then maybe I could make a payment, and that, furthermore, I could no longer take advantage of the privilege of making a payment online but was expected to contact a member-of-customer-service immediately. I love how minions of corporate service are called, quite conversely, members of customer service. It cost me $10 extra on my payment to call a minion and make a payment by (mobile) phone.

I also called MOSCO, the maker of ONE STEP Corn Remover Pads and told them that I had religiously applied the pads for two whole days and that the corns, fueled on dramatically by my new job as a waitress, had done nothing but turn white and that that had freaked me out even more so than the corns. The kind lady told me that the turning white "meant that it was working" and to keep using the product until the corn fell off (fell off??). Safe, Easy, Effective. Actually, it is an entire double set of pinky toes that have grown off of the sides of my old, original pinky toes like some sort of hardened, parasitic leeches or evil, painful Siamese twins.

2 comments:

hamilcar barca said...

you're evolving to grow a 6th toe on each foot?! i'm jealous.

Amber said...

Who knew evolving could happen so fast..and so painfully?