Monday, May 11, 2009


Notice to All Brunettes:

My brunette sisters,

Humble praise and recognition to all of you. This is a warning I am giving out based upon recent personal experience and a brief period of prayer, meditation and sacrifice to the hair gods.

Unless you were "blonde-as-a-child" (and perhaps even then) do NOT, I repeat and implore you, DO NOT attempt to lighten your hair to any status other than slightly lighter brown, especially if you naturally have "gold" or "auburn" tones or highlights to your hair. If you go with lighter brown, use a SEMI-permanant hair color so if anything goes wrong you can wash it out with a heavy dose of dish detergent (dish detergent = approximately five shampoos with regular shampoo).

Do NOT simply select a box of hair dye with a model sporting the same shade of blonde hair that you want. These boxes of product are very dangerous to us brunettes and are meant for use only by those that are already blonde and want to make sure that they are very obviously blonde. If you flip the box over and view very carefully the pictures that will indicate what will happen to you if you are brown-headed and use that product, you will shy away from this option on your own. If the box does not have a picture suggesting what will happen to you (your hair) if you are a brunette attempting to use the product, well, that is very telling in and of itself, isn't it?

Do NOT be tricked into thinking that bleach (we're talking about the hair kind here, not the clothes washing kind) will take the brunette the fuck out of your hair and leave your locks shining like some splinderific Cinderella or Christie Brinkley or Paris Hilton or what have you. For all the lofty promises it offers, for the severely brunette, bleach, especially in the hands of an amateur (you) will make you look as if the sun is setting on your head. Not in a flattering way, either. Your hair will. be. approximately a color in the tangerine family.

Think of this: It is said that famously blonde Marilyn Monroe, formerly Norma Jean, formerly brunette, had hair the texture of cotton candy due to the constant bleaching.

And she had a professional.

That said, if you must go blonde, SEE A PROFESSIONAL. Furthermore, do not go to an establishment where men who have very little hair to start with go to get their beards trimmed and back hair shaved or where mothers take their girl children to get bangs for the first time. If you're gonna do this, you're gonna have to spend a little money.

To summarize, do not attempt of your own accord to lighten your hair beyond a slightly lighter brown. If you must be blonde, involve a professional.

For Pete's sake,



hamilcar barca said...

pictures! we want pictures!

Amber said...

I didn't think to document with a picture - sorry! That could've seriously increased the validity, sincerity and humor of my blog. Darn it. I fixed my hair pretty well with some color approximately the color of shoe polish.

Laura said...

Ruh roh! Sounds like quite a hair mishap! I sometimes get jealous of the lighter-haired kind because they can easily go from being blonde to something darker, but us brunettes are left with little options to do ourselves!